Electrophantasia

It is both odd and appropriate that I begin this project with a horror movie. Appropriate because I’m supposed to be trying something different here. Odd because I don’t particularly like horror movies, as a general rule. At least that’s what I’ve said a lot of the time. I think that might not have been the entire truth, though. What exactly is a horror movie, anyway? I really like giant monster movies. Are those horror? What about Alien and the Evil Dead movies? I’ve always rather enjoyed those.

So upon reflection, I probably like quite a few horror movies just fine. That brings me to the Hellraiser films, one of the staples of the genre over the years. What did I think of them? Crazy stuff.

There was a British author named Clive Barker. At some point he wanted to get into the movies, so he got some crap together and became a director. He put out a very low-budget adaptation of a novella he wrote called The Hellbound Heart. The movie garnered quite a success with a crowd of people tired of movies about some silent crazy dude with a knife killing a bunch of teenagers. We are offered, instead, some guy with pins in his head that likes to pull apart people with random meathook tipped chains.

This was really my first time viewing these movies since I was a kid, and even back then I was way too scared of this stuff to watch very much of it. As I watched I rather wished I could go back to that child state of mind, because things tended to be more interesting back then. A person could believe in everything. Of course, that means I could also believe ET was hiding behind my bed waiting to extend his neck and shriek in my face, but you gotta take what comes. The point is, I was basically coming at it with a virgin eye.

The following is a bunch of excerpts from things I typed to a friend while watching the first movie:

-Well, so far some guy with really dirty fingernails has bought a box from some Chinese guy.

-Introduction seems to be going quick. He’s opening the box and like crazy shit is happening and I don’t even know his name yet.
-If that’s him, he’s been pretty fucked up. Yep. His face is all over the floor in pieces. Oh there’s that pinheaded guy. He’s putting the face pieces together like a puzzle. That’s interesting. Nothing seems to have come of it, however. I still don’t even know who that was. But man, he got fucked up, I guess.
-I dunno what’s going on again. They’re moving in, and some guy’s wife is all “lol I wish I could sex ur brother again, because he’s all hawt and wet” So they’re going back and forth between sex flashbacks and the husband pulling this mattress up the stairs. He cuts his hand really bad while doing this and like the blood is soaking into the floor. That’s usually for no good. Especially when it…fills…plastic baggies under the floor? What? Demons: Collecting ur blood in plastic baggies since 1987.

-Of course this baggie collecting is going to open a portal to hell or something.
-Or just make slime. That’s not right. The rats are annoyed by this whole thing, I guess. I would be too if some slime coalesced into a zombie in front of me.
-Okay lady, was the sex that fucking good? Frank seems like a dick. In any event, I dunno how much sex appeal he has now. He’s kind of all goopy zombieness.
-25 minutes in and I’m still not sure WTF is going on.
-The rats are now eating zombie remnants. Yum.
-What the hell random creepy bearded dude? That had nothing to do with anything. NOTHING.

-Man. Her entire life is just like…flashbacks to having sex.
-What the hell is this? She… Babies. What?
-Zombie be like “I’m in ur attics plannin’ ur doomz.”

-So yeah, bald dude, you aren’t going to get sexed. You are going to get zombie’d something fierce.
-The zombie is hungry for tighty whities?
-Zombie finger can’t taste that good.

-It’s the return of Creepbeard. Who apparently eats crickets from the pet store. K.

-Those rats are impaled for some reason. Maybe Frank was tired of them eating his zombie juice.
-I guess now that we’re in the movie about an hour the plot is actually starting.
-Don’t touch the box! It is evil! Actually, do touch the box. Maybe this movie will go somewhere.
-Waiiiiiiiiiiit! Balore just want friend!

-And thus the last 20 minutes of the film begins.
-Girl, your dad’s skin is NOT on correctly. This isn’t even very convincing! You even know what’s up with demons and crap, maybe you should notice this. There’s blood all over him too. I mean look at the side of his face!

-Gotta admit she at least knows how to do the hiding phase. She hid in a closet with a maggoty corpse and took it in stride. You don’t see that in horror movies too much.
-Now we trade the smart for the retarded. Do not leave the closet and stand out in the open sobbing up a storm. The crazy dadskin-wearing zombie thing with a knife will probably sneak up behind you. Like that.
-Did the fat one just get sent back to hell by having a roof fall on him?

-And here’s the boyfriend, only really present and doing anything in the last three minutes of the film. Even so, he’s taking the whole demon thing in stride.
-Slappy box contest!
-I dunno what’s up with this place with all the random fires, but if Creepbeard doesn’t show up I’ll be surprised.

-Oh shit there he is! I fucking called that one. And…turns out…Creepbeard was just…a skeleton gargoyle in disguise? He grabbed the box and flew away. And now the box is back with the random Chinese guy. Yep this movie makes total sense.

Hope you could make sense of that with the pictures and everything. Despite how it may sound, compared to a lot of the low budget crap in the horror genre, I thought Hellraiser was pretty good, if a bit slow and confusing. Next time we meet I shall continue the discussion of this subject and get into the movie’s sequel, Hellbound: Hellraiser II. Prepare yourself!